The truth is that I can be exceptionally good at balancing several plates, and even juggling a few balls while I'm at it. I have a special ability to split my focus between several different activities. I genuinely can watch a movie at the same time as I type, and completely recall what has been said and done while my attention was divided. I can have full conversation while scanning a textbook looking for a specific quote. And I can cook a five course meal by myself with multiple plates, burners, ovens, going simultaneously.
I was told this was a "gift" when I was younger.
These days it's been feeling a little more like a curse.
You see, when you're a "multi-tasker", you sometimes have a hard time slowly down and doing one activity at a time. You somehow feel like if you aren't doing two or three things at once that you are lagging and wasting valuable time that could be better used balancing five other plates. So you always make sure you have at least two or three things on the go at once, just to feel "productive".
The thing about multi-tasking is this: just because you can multi-task, doesn't mean you should.
First of all, you seldom do things quite as well if you are trying to do multiple things at once. Inevitably, something's gotta give and you usually wind up realizing that you could have performed your task more effectively if you had gone about it differently. But when you've got fifteen things on the go, you don't tend to take the time to evaluate your strategy and chart out a better course. If you stop, everything falls apart.
But the most important reason why multi-tasking isn't always the best course of action is simple: people don't like to feel "slotted in" to your schedule. Unsurprisingly, people like to have your full attention when you are spending time with them. They aren't crazy about you spending the entire conversation watching you chat on your computer, type on your cell phone, or clean your house. They want you to look at them, in the eye, and connect.
For the most part, I try to respect this. Where I fall short more often than not is with those I care about the most: my two amazing children. Far too often I forget to put the computer, phone, mess, etc. out of my head and just focus on being with them, in the "now".
Every child deserves to feel like they are valuable and worth slowing down (even stopping!) for. And this is an area I absolutely need to focus on, even more so because of my son's unique developmental needs. Sammie requires me to engage with him differently, and he absolutely needs me to NOT multi-task our time together. When we do activities, it is absolutely critical that I be focused in on him and helping him connect to me and to the world around him.
As an infant, Charlie is in her most important developmental stage. Little things like touch, eye contact, soft singing, etc send her neurological receptors into overdrive and help her create the pathways that will connect her brain for the rest of her life. That's kind of a big deal. So she needs some pretty serious one on one attention too.
I will be using an "activity template" to log my goals with my kids. (I haven't made one yet.) This may sound crazy to most who would say "why do you need a log to just "spend time" with your kids?".
The answer is simple and embarrassing: My brain works slightly differently too. I there isn't a list, a template, a guideline, a tracking sheet, etc. I have a very hard time focusing on an activity and making myself do it. I need to be able to put a checklist, smiley face or sticker beside something to visualize it as being "DONE". Then I can move on. Sadly, yes, this includes spending time with people I care about.
I am a person who needs structure. It's not just a craving. It's a need, pure and simple.
So my starter subgoals for spending more quality and quantity time with my kids are:
Charlie
- At least 30 minutes a day of "floor time", doing face to face interactions including singing songs, massage, etc.
- At least 30 minutes a day of "carry time", wearing her close to my heart and connecting with her physically.
- Never starting another activity within the first five minutes of nursing her (reading a book, using my phone, watching a movie, etc.)
- Prioritizing naps when and where possible.
Sammie:
- At least 1 hour of gross motor activity per day
- At least 1 social activity per day (playing with peers, going to the store, going to a public play place)
- At least 3X 5 minutes of "face to face" activity, encouraging eye contact.
- At least 15 minutes of fine motor/creative learning (colouring, painting, beads, etc.)
- Introduce at least 3 new "ASL signs" a week and use them as often as possible.
- Fill out his "Responsive Teaching" log daily (www.findingsammiesvoice.blogspot.ca)
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